Today is warm but pleasant, about 85 degrees. The weather is similar to Los Angeles but even milder. 85 here feels cooler than 85 there. An uneventful day so far. My liver and onions came out great. And I want to recommend www.responsibletechnology.org which was started by the author (Jeffrey M. Smith) of "Seeds of Deception" and "Genetic Roulette", two excellent books and the website has a list of GMO foods and many, many scientific references to proof of dangers and toxins in the food offered to us today by the profit-motivated giant food companies. Please note that I am all in favor of capitalism and "caveat emptor" (buyer beware). Because of the poisons deliberately put into the DNA of our food, I refuse to buy any genetically altered foods such as non-organic corn, soy, squash, tomato, and others.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
5-27: My Annual FREEDOM FROM HELL Day
WARNING: Avoid this post ! This post contains unpleasant, sick material. It is very personal may NOT be helpful or entertaining to you. You may want to just skip it entirely. I believe mental illness is contagious, and this post describes depraved mental illness. I recommend that you go to a different post. Here goes: When I was young and dumb, a virgin at 18, I married a devil, Gene. Being young and stupid about people, I did not even recognize that he was a bona fide paranoid schizophrenic with severe BPD - personality disorders as well as multiple drug abuse. I had no idea that it was possible for people like him to even exist. I had been loved and pampered by my parents and teachers and was praised and admired by everyone for eighteen years. I won awards and contests and was first in everything, your outstanding "good girl". Imagine my shock and surprise at the first abuse when I was suddenly back-handed hard, right across the face, unexpectedly and without reason. An instant transformation from Teachers' Pet to Prisoner-Slave. I had no one to guide me, no parents, no aunts, no uncles, no grandparents, no friendly adults to tell my troubles to, only three younger siblings with their own problems.
It worsened from there, my life was in danger many, many times with knives, guns and physical abuse. I miscarried from his beating me and kicking me in the stomach with hard boots. He loved to put out cigarettes on my torso where the burns would not show. He strangled me unconscious several times. He loved to play Russian roulette, pointing a gun loaded with one bullet at my head and pulling the trigger. He would put a thin towel on me and beat me with whips and belts and sticks on top of it since he explained that this would keep some of the bruises from showing. He kept a constant watch on me since he knew I wanted to escape, I could not even defecate unless he was standing over me with a loaded gun, usually cocked. His beatings would come without any cause or any warning or any schedule and in between them he would sometimes apologize profusely. He repeatedly threatened me and told me of the different abuses and tortures he intended to do to me. He would drive me to work or school and be waiting to pick me up, always stalking around the work or school peeking in and watching me. I was simply his prisoner. Although I did now know it at the time, I was conditioned into Pavlovian constant fear of death.
He was also a pedophile for young girls, age 6 or so and he would often go out and say he had been at a school or playground. I sat next to him in a Shakey's Pizza restaurant when he groped a young girl's vaginal area for a long time (she was too shocked and confused to do anything ) when he saw her father go to the restroom. When the father returned from the restroom, the girl told on Gene. The father called the police and Gene ran out to the car with the father chasing him. I silently prayed for the father catch him and for the police to arrive in time, but he got away. I was horrified at Gene and at one point was able to report to the police from a college phone but the policeman answering the phone refused to take his information and instead made fun of me. At that time I was too much of a young greenhorn to know what to do next.
He had many more sick depraved inclinations. He liked to hurt animals. After he tortured Jaspar, a gold cat I acquired, I made sure never to have any pets. I was properly brain-washed into constant fear of death. There is much more that I could say, but I will stop here because it is sickening relive this. Let me just say I wish Gene literally to burn slowly in hell. He was human in his body but not in his soul. He deserves to never have been born.
I finally escaped from him on May 27 wearing a blonde wig. I had arranged with a friend of a psychiatrist to get a ride to California straight from the last exam. I had met a psychiatrist at college in the lunchroom and told about my situation. I asked for help to escape. Gene did not work, like a pimp, he always took all my money from my work but over the years I managed to sneak some money into hiding so I paid the friend out of money I had secreted in the hem of a coat to let me get a ride with him. I had lied to Gene and told him the last day of school was the next day. Back then, it was difficult for me to tell any lie even when my life was in danger. This is how stupid young people can be. Needless to say, I had a bad case of post-traumatic stress disorder for many years.
So you can see that May 27 is a holy day to me, a sacred day of freedom and liberty and healing. For years now I use this day to feel joy and to meditate and be grateful. I know now that "No one can do anything to you unless you let them" ( a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt who did not live by it) and I regret my stubborn promise to myself to stick with it and make my marriage work. I strongly believe in divorce. I wasted years of my life with unnecessary suffering but I am grateful that I finally ran away. "Geography is everything" - a quote from the serial murderer Ed Gein. Joy, optimism, meditation/prayer, moderation, mobility, service, love.
It worsened from there, my life was in danger many, many times with knives, guns and physical abuse. I miscarried from his beating me and kicking me in the stomach with hard boots. He loved to put out cigarettes on my torso where the burns would not show. He strangled me unconscious several times. He loved to play Russian roulette, pointing a gun loaded with one bullet at my head and pulling the trigger. He would put a thin towel on me and beat me with whips and belts and sticks on top of it since he explained that this would keep some of the bruises from showing. He kept a constant watch on me since he knew I wanted to escape, I could not even defecate unless he was standing over me with a loaded gun, usually cocked. His beatings would come without any cause or any warning or any schedule and in between them he would sometimes apologize profusely. He repeatedly threatened me and told me of the different abuses and tortures he intended to do to me. He would drive me to work or school and be waiting to pick me up, always stalking around the work or school peeking in and watching me. I was simply his prisoner. Although I did now know it at the time, I was conditioned into Pavlovian constant fear of death.
He was also a pedophile for young girls, age 6 or so and he would often go out and say he had been at a school or playground. I sat next to him in a Shakey's Pizza restaurant when he groped a young girl's vaginal area for a long time (she was too shocked and confused to do anything ) when he saw her father go to the restroom. When the father returned from the restroom, the girl told on Gene. The father called the police and Gene ran out to the car with the father chasing him. I silently prayed for the father catch him and for the police to arrive in time, but he got away. I was horrified at Gene and at one point was able to report to the police from a college phone but the policeman answering the phone refused to take his information and instead made fun of me. At that time I was too much of a young greenhorn to know what to do next.
He had many more sick depraved inclinations. He liked to hurt animals. After he tortured Jaspar, a gold cat I acquired, I made sure never to have any pets. I was properly brain-washed into constant fear of death. There is much more that I could say, but I will stop here because it is sickening relive this. Let me just say I wish Gene literally to burn slowly in hell. He was human in his body but not in his soul. He deserves to never have been born.
I finally escaped from him on May 27 wearing a blonde wig. I had arranged with a friend of a psychiatrist to get a ride to California straight from the last exam. I had met a psychiatrist at college in the lunchroom and told about my situation. I asked for help to escape. Gene did not work, like a pimp, he always took all my money from my work but over the years I managed to sneak some money into hiding so I paid the friend out of money I had secreted in the hem of a coat to let me get a ride with him. I had lied to Gene and told him the last day of school was the next day. Back then, it was difficult for me to tell any lie even when my life was in danger. This is how stupid young people can be. Needless to say, I had a bad case of post-traumatic stress disorder for many years.
So you can see that May 27 is a holy day to me, a sacred day of freedom and liberty and healing. For years now I use this day to feel joy and to meditate and be grateful. I know now that "No one can do anything to you unless you let them" ( a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt who did not live by it) and I regret my stubborn promise to myself to stick with it and make my marriage work. I strongly believe in divorce. I wasted years of my life with unnecessary suffering but I am grateful that I finally ran away. "Geography is everything" - a quote from the serial murderer Ed Gein. Joy, optimism, meditation/prayer, moderation, mobility, service, love.
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